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by MissMcCarthy



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMcCarthy/pseuds/MissMcCarthy
Summary: When a mission goes horribly wrong and Bucky dies in front of your eyes, how are you supposed to just pick up the pieces and move on? One step at a time. 9 years later, you’ve moved on with your life and everything seems to be going just fine, until one of the Avengers shows up in the small town you fled to years ago. Will everything come crashing down around you? (This story does have a happy ending, I swear)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	1. Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying out a new writing style, writing it in past tense. Let me know what you think!
> 
> This story does have a happy ending, I swear.

The quinjet flew over the cold forest in Northern Russia as the team prepared to disembark. Fury had received intel that Hydra was still working out of a small concrete bunker in the middle of the remote forest, and after a few weeks of recon, you’d confirmed the reports. Now, it was time to do what you did best, kick ass. 

Steve was running over the plan with everyone for the third time today while everyone geared up, and you had basically tuned him out. You’d been the one to help him come up with the plan back at headquarters, so you weren’t really concerned. You may not be a super soldier like Bucky or Steve or have powers like Wanda, but you were one of the naturally gifted members of the team. 

You’d always known you wanted to do good, be good, so when you’d been offered a position in Shield right out of college you hadn’t hesitated. When you quickly proved your abilities undercover, it wasn’t long before Fury was sending you on longer solo assignments. With no family to call your own and your uncanny ability to weasel yourself out of trouble, you were soon his preferred agent to send out on long trips. 

It was on one of the long trips that you’d first run into Bucky. You’d been working the case for over a year, undercover working at the restaurant that was a front for the local gang that Fury suspected had ties with Hydra. Fury had sent him in to call you back, your handler had lost contact with you months ago, and you were so set on finishing the case you didn’t let that stop you. You’d refused to leave when Bucky showed up, not wanting to abandon your case. Luckily, he’d seemed to understand that drive in you, and with Fury’s permission, he’d stayed on to help you. It wasn’t long before the case was all wrapped up neatly, and you were able to return to your life.

After that mission, Fury began sending you on missions with different members of the Avengers, but he always seemed to favor having you work with Bucky. When you’d first met the former winter soldier he’d been quiet and withdrawn but hard - you’d even jokingly called him granite to his face one drunken night. Over time, he’d thawed towards you and you’d struck up a warm friendship. Even when you weren’t working a case, you two were always in contact with one another.

One thing led to another, and before long you and Bucky were going out on dates in the small town near the Avengers compound. Your favorite spot was the small diner, they had the best apple pie in the whole state, and the two of you could spend hours there in the bustling restaurant. It was always full of locals and everyone knew each other's names. When you’d started going there you were pleasantly surprised to find that no one treated you or Bucky differently because of what you’d done. It had quickly become your weekly date night destination. None of the other avengers ventured to the diner, so it eventually became your little secret.

At first, you’d kept your relationship secret from the others, not wanting to make a big deal out of it until you were sure it was going to last. When you’d been together for six months, you’d had to admit it was time to tell the team. You’d waited until the weekly team dinner, and instead of saying anything you’d merely been openly affectionate with each other. Throughout dinner, no one called you out on your new touchy behavior with Bucky, not until you leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Bucky always blushed at the public displays of affection, and drawing that out in him was one of your favorite things to do.

When you’d glanced back at the table, you saw Tony staring at you with a raised eyebrow. With a shrug, you’d returned to dinner as usual until Clint had huffed, pulling out his wallet and shoving a $5 bill into Natasha’s waiting hand. Of course, Fury and Steve refused to send you two on any missions together for the next year, worried it would compromise your ability to do your jobs, but eventually, they’d come around.

You and Bucky had been together for three years now, and things were going well. You’d moved into his suite at the Avengers compound, and you were both happy. Whenever you were both at the compound, you made your weekly jaunt to the diner but even when you were away on missions you found little ways to keep in touch - from having Nat drop off a slice of pie for him while you were away, to Bucky asking Steve to take you on adventures while he was away. 

“You ready, [Y/N]?” Bucky’s voice brought you back to the present and you turned, shooting him a grin.

“When aren’t I?” you laughed, tightening the straps on your armor. 

While you’d been daydreaming, you’d reached the bunker. Steve and Bucky stood near the open back of the jet. Like always, they’d be the first out followed by Sam and Tony. After they were out, you’d head out with Clint and Natasha and get to work. The team had worked together so many times over the years that by now you each knew exactly where the others would be, and you were a well-oiled machine. At least, you were most of the time.

Bucky’s warm hand found it’s way to your waist as he pulled you in, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead, “See you later, alligator.”

You rolled your eyes, he’d started making those stupid jokes in the last two weeks for the sole purpose of annoying you. Before you even had a chance to respond though, Bucky jumped out of the hovering quinjet, his smirk the last thing you saw as he dropped. 

Steve quickly followed him, and the mission was on. Bickering like usual, Sam and Tony took to the skies. Once they were clear, you dropped your rope down from the jet and slid down alongside Nat and Clint. By the time your feet touched the ground, Tony had already blown open the door of the bunker and like angered ants pouring out of an anthill, Hydra soldiers had begun to erupt. Clint found his way to a nearby tree and began to fire down on them while Steve and Bucky made their way into the bunker. Working together with Sam, Tony, and Nat, while Clint covered your group you’d made quick work of the soldiers who’d willingly come out to face you. 

Clint, Sam, and Tony took up their patrols outside the bunker, watching for the reinforcements you were sure would arrive while Nat led the way for the two of you into the bunker. While Steve and Bucky were dealing with enemy soldiers, it was your job to collect as much information and evidence as you could. 

Three floors down you found the jackpot, a room full of computers and files. Neither of you spoke as you quickly fell into your usual roles, the chattering of your teammates over the comms was enough to keep track of. 

“Come on Sam, I bet you couldn’t catch this arrow.” Clint’s voice was full of laughter as he goaded him.

“I’m not going to let you shoot at me again, bird brain” you could almost hear the eye roll from Sam as they continued the argument they’d been having for the last month.

Nat had finally managed to get one of the computers working, and while she plugged in the drive to start downloading information, you were scanning documents as fast as you could. Your eyes skimmed the paperwork as you went, trying to get a better idea of what they were studying here.

The warm timbre of Bucky’s voice over the comm drew your attention “Doll, you want to try and catch a movie this weekend? I think - DUCK - that new one you wanted to see is out, right?” You could hear fighting in the background, apparently he and Steve were still working on clearing the lower floors. 

“Yeah Buck, I’d like that. It’s out today actually so that works” your eyes never left the papers in front of you, but a small grin slipped onto your face.

“Come on guys, heads in the game please” Steve sighed and you laughed, apologizing.

“Yeah kids, that’s not very professional of you.” Tony’s voice chimed in.

“Fuck off, Stark” Bucky’s voice was playful. While their relationship had been strained at first, the two had eventually formed a friendship based on sarcasm and insults.

“Language.” The team spoke all at once. In the years since his slip up, it had become an ingrained response to anyone cussing on comms, so much so that no one even thought about it anymore before responding. 

A heavy groan came from Steve’s comm before he muttered a simple, “Get back to work.”

Near the bottom of the stack of papers, you found a small note about the test subjects being kept in the lowest level, northwest corner. They were testing on them to see if they could get any of them to develop powers, but apparently, they’d been having no success yet. They’d recently gotten a group of teens that they hoped might be more successful than the last group.

“Steve, sounds like there might be potential hostages below, looks like they’re in room 6C - Northwest corner, bottom floor. They’re testing on teens down there.” you scanned the paperwork as you spoke, searching for any other information they might need.

“We’re on our way. Let’s keep the comms clear in case something comes up.” Steve responded.

Among the echoes of “comm clear”, Bucky’s voice stood out with a simple “Thanks doll, comm clear.”

Time seemed to creep by until you heard Steve’s voice over the radio, “On our way out with the hostages. Clint, bring the quinjet down, let’s get out of here.”

When Steve and the hostages reached the door to the room where you and Nat were working, your eyes scanned the group, subconsciously searching for Bucky. Raising one eyebrow, you shot Steve a questioning glance as Nat began to lead the teens up and out. 

“One of the teens says someone’s missing. Bucky’s looking for him.” Steve explained, and you nodded, moving through the crowd to help Nat in the front in case any trouble popped up. 

As you exited the bunker with the first of the hostages, Tony’s voice came over the comms.

“We need to go. NOW. ” the urgency in his voice was clear as the sky above you.

Nat began to run, leading the teens towards the quinjet quickly while you stopped, turning back to the bunker. The staircase down was empty and dark, a black hole waiting to swallow everything whole.

“What’s going on?” You asked, your voice hard as you prepared for a fight.” 

“Missiles incoming, and according to Friday, they’ve started their self destruct sequence. We need to go. I can handle one or two but I don’t recognize these and there’s more than we can handle.”

“Understood. Bucky? Let’s go.” you jogged over to the jet, joining Steve on the ramp as the rest of the teens got seatbelted in. Your eyes didn’t leave the entrance to the bunker, waiting for the familiar mop of brown hair to peak into the sunlight. 

The comms were silent, no hint of Bucky’s warm voice, no trace of static, no way to know he’d even heard you. As the seconds ticked past, your anxiety began to grow. He should have been here by now.

“Clint, get the jet in the air. We have to move, now. We have less than a minute.” Tony’s voice was firm, solid in his decision. 

“Bucky isn’t back yet.” you heard the slight tremble in your voice, but you couldn’t find it in you to care. It wasn’t like him to not answer a comm call, particularly not one from you.

“Clint, we don’t have time. Get in the air. I can grab him when he comes out” Tony ordered again.

Clint paused, looking at Steve for an order. After what seemed like an hour but was only a millisecond, Steve nodded. The jet began to rise and you prepared to step off, back onto the pad to go find Bucky when Steve’s hand wrapped around your arm, stopping you in your tracks. 

“Tony won’t be able to carry you both, plus if Bucky found that hostage that’s too many. Wait here, you know he’s coming” the hint of unsureness in his tone did nothing to calm the worry. 

Seconds ticked by quickly, your eyes locked onto the bunker door as the jet pulled higher into the sky, moving out of the path of the oncoming missiles. You didn’t even flinch at the roar of the missiles, your hand tightening on the handle of the jet as Tony detonated the first two rockets. 

Finally, Bucky emerged from the bunker, an unconscious teen slung over his shoulder as he stepped back into the sunshine. Your eyes locked onto him at the same time the missile struck the building behind him, swallowing him up in a thick cloud of dust and debris. 

You could hear the chaos erupt around you, Steve barking orders as Clint began to navigate the quinjet out of the path of the missiles still incoming. Tony and Sam shouting back and forth, still out in the air as they searched. You heard it all, but it didn’t seem to register. No, your mind was still stuck on that last image, on Bucky running out, looking exhausted but relieved, searching for the quinjet that had left him behind.

“Does anyone have eyes on Bucky?” you could hear the full-blown panic in your voice but couldn’t find it in you to care, not when Bucky was down there. 

“We’re looking.” Sam’s voice was warm, too warm. He was using what Bucky had always jokingly referred to as his therapy voice. While you usually found it calming, it seemed to be grating now, harsh and unwelcome. 

“Get me down there.” your voice was soft, firm. 

Before anyone could respond, Clint’s voice came over the comms, “We have to get out of here. There’s more missiles incoming and this time they’re locked onto us.” 

Without waiting for approval or anyone’s answer, Clint and Nat put the quinjet into motion, speeding away from the smoking pile of rubble below. The jerk of the sudden departure almost sent you tumbling out, Steve’s hand on your arm the only thing anchoring you. It took a second for the shock to leave your system, and it wasn’t until the bunker was out of sight that you yanked your arm from his grasp.

“Steve, let me out. I’ll go find him. You guys keep moving.” your voice was steady now, sure of what would happen next. They’d drop you off, you’d go back and find him, and the two of you would have to trek out to a safehouse with the teen where you’d find your way back to the compound. 

“We can’t stop, [y/n]. There’s no time to stop and let you down.” Nat spoke calmly, the way you’d talk to a wild animal.

“Fine. Tony, grab me?” your idea pivoted on its head, knowing he could just grab you and drop you on the ground quickly.

“I have to keep on top of the rockets” Tony’s voice was strained, and you could hear the alarms going off in the suit as he fought to defend the jet.

“We’ll come back for him, I swear.” Steve swallowed heavily, his eyes not leaving the scene behind you for a long moment before he turned, pressing the button to close the back of the jet. Without another word, he headed up to the front to talk to Clint and Nat. 

You watched the smoke in the distance as it rose, mocking you and just out of reach. You didn’t move, even as the door slid shut, locking into place as your thoughts raced.


	2. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being forced to leave Bucky behind on the mission, you return to see the results of your decisions

After dropping off the hostages at the nearby safe house where you’d been met by other Shield agents, you’d quickly taken off back towards the rubble. The minutes ticked by as the quinjet raced back, and no one spoke a word. The air was thick, unspoken fears seeming to swirl through the air. 

What if’s raced through your head on repeat. What if he was injured and you were too late because you had to leave him behind? What if the missile had hit him directly? What if you’d only stayed behind to make sure he knew it was time to go and now? What if Steve hadn’t stopped you going after him? Would he be here with you now? Or would you be down there with him? What if… What if he didn’t come back from this? 

When the quinjet finally touched down two hours after you’d left the bunker behind, the world was quiet. No sound pierced the air, not even the calls of birds in the forest surrounding you. The smoke had slowed to a thin ribbon, slowly twining up into the sky without a care in the world. You were the first off the ramp, but as you raced towards the last place you’d seen Bucky, your feet seemed to turn to lead.

In front of you lay a crater, deep and dark, it bore no resemblance to the bunker you’d entered mere hours ago. Slowly you walked over to the edge and looked down, and as you stared into the abyss it all seemed to hit you at once. Breaths began to race out of you as if you’d just run a marathon, dry sobs racked your body as your arms wrapped around yourself, trying to keep you together as you felt yourself break. Staring into the darkness, you knew what had happened, what they would find at the bottom of the pit.

Arms wrapped around you, but not the arms you’d give anything to feel hold you tight once more, the arms you’d never feel again. Sam had found his way to you, and held you tight as you broke. You turned into him, your arms curling around him as sobs wracked your chest. The others stood frozen, watching you for a moment before they began to search. 

The air was somber, and the hours slowly ticked by. You’d eventually cried yourself out, and you’d begun to help Sam search the surrounding forest, knowing it was a futile search while the others scoured the abyss for any trace of Bucky. It kept you busy though, or at least, it kept your body busy. Your mind was stuck on a repeat of “what now”, scenarios playing through your head on repeat on and on and on again, no break. Sam had long ago given up trying to get you to talk, and the two of you walked, searching side by side in silence, the only sound the erratic breaths slipping out of you.

Five hours after you’d returned, seven hours after you’d left Bucky to die, a heartbroken curse came from the void. Steve’s voice breaking as a dictionary’s worth of curse words slid through his lips. Clint’s murmured prayer confirmed your fears and you sunk to your knees in the forest, the fallen needles from the trees stabbing into your legs like needles. This time, Sam didn’t speak as your heart shattered completely, he merely set his hand on your shoulder and said a prayer of his own. 

After a few minutes, you got to your feet, slowly walking back towards the quinjet. You collapsed into your usual seat in the back, staring at the now empty spot next to you where Bucky should be. Your head was buried in your hands, hair falling down to hide your face. The echo of boots on the metal floor of the quinjet warned you as someone approached, but you didn’t glance up. If you didn’t look up, if you didn’t see it, you didn’t have to face it, right? Maybe that would mean there was still hope… There wasn’t.

“We… We found his arm” Steve’s soft voice shattered any hope you had left. “His - his body is too burned to see much but the arm survived.” 

You glanced up, spotting the cloth wrapped object in Steve’s arms, even though it was loosely draped in fabric you could see the familiar outline. When you’d first met Bucky, he was still struggling to come to terms with the limb and it had taken him months before he’d accepted it when you told him you didn’t mind if he touched you with it. Over the years, he’d worked with Shuri to make it his own arm, and something he could be proud of. 

You remembered the day he decided he wanted to repaint it to be something he could be proud of. He’d removed the star and sat on the bed for hours, staring at it, unsure what to put on it. When you held up a small paintbrush dipped in red paint, he’d looked at you questioningly but nodded at you to go ahead. On the underside of his wrist, where his veins would be, you’d painted a small, barely there, heart. When it was done, he didn’t say a word, merely stared down at it for a long time. Your heart had pounded and you feared he hated it, but he grabbed you tight, kissing your forehead and whispering “I love you” in your ear. It was the first time he’d said it to you.

You held out your arms, and Steve gently placed it in your grasp. Slowly, you unwrapped the fabric, revealing the little heart. You thought you’d shed all your tears by that point, but as the little symbol stared up at you, tears began to flow down your face as you clutched it to you tightly.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. You didn’t remember the other Shield agents showing up and doing what they could to collect as much of the body as they could. Due to the chemical nature of the fire, they couldn’t confirm his identity with DNA but with the arm evidence, and the lack of any evidence he might have survived, everyone was sure it was him. You vaguely remembered Fury telling you he was sorry for your loss, but you couldn’t even remember if he’d been there in person or had called in.

Steve had taken a seat next to you at some point, not in Bucky’s old seat, no one dared to sit there. The two of you sat in silence, memory after memory washing over you both as you mourned the loss of your best friend. Eventually you must have fallen asleep, because the next thing you knew, you woke up curled up in the bed you’d shared with Bucky, his pillow clutched to your chest. 

If someone asked you what happened over the next week, you wouldn’t have been able to tell them. Vaguely you remembered Sam spending a lot of time in your room, Steve asking if you had any preferences for the funeral, Nat trying to get you to eat, and Tony trying to bring you anything he could think of - a stuffed animal designed to mimic Bucky’s heartbeat, video footage of the two of you together. 

Your first real memory after seeing him for the last time was at his funeral. It was a small affair, only his friends there. They’d decided not to announce his death to the press yet, to give them time to process everything before they had to deal with the questions. Shuri and T’Challa flew in from Wakanda, Thor made it just in time, and all of the friends the two of you had made through the years at the diner came as well. 

Steve had asked if you wanted to speak, but you’d said no. Having to stand up there and speak, telling everyone stories about him while he lay dead in the casket behind you was too much. Instead, Steve gave the eulogy. You couldn’t remember what he said, but you remember breaking halfway through when Steve started talking about how much Bucky loved you. 

They buried him in an undisclosed location, somewhere only the avengers knew about out on the compound. No one wanted to risk his final resting place being disturbed. Watching his coffin being lowered into the ground was the final straw for you. It drove it all home for you. Of course, you’d known he was dead, but there’s something different about knowing someone is dead, and seeing his body lowered into a deep hole to be swallowed by the earth. You felt something inside of you shift, and as you looked around at the Avengers assembled around you, you knew what had to happen next. 

After the funeral, everyone returned to the main living room, where drinks and stories were shared. Tears and laughter flowed through the room as everyone shared their favorite story with Bucky, the stupid things he’d said, the honorable things he’d done, all of it filled the room, suffocating you.

If only you’d stayed behind, if only you’d gone after him when he didn’t his answers. If Steve hadn’t stopped you, or if Steve had gone after him, Bucky would be there with you today and today would be like any other day. There were so many chances for you to save him, so many chances for you to change what happened. If only you’d been faster, had known what could have happened, you’d have gone after him. The thoughts, the blame, poured through you. 

Fury sat at the bar, nursing his drink. He didn’t look up as you approached, “How are you doing, [y/n]?”

“I’m retiring” you sighed, grabbing a drink as you took a seat on the stool next to him.

“Are you sure about this? Do you want some time to think it through?” he asked, glancing over at you.

“I’m sure. I don’t want to do this again, Fury. I’m done.” your voice was quiet but the determination was clear. 

He nodded, taking a big swallow of his drink, “I understand. How do you want to do this? You’ve got a few options”

“I just want a new identity. Nothing big, nothing crazy. A new name and identity no one can ever traceback. I want to be just as hidden as some” you nodded your head discreetly towards Clint, not wanting to say anything aloud that could get him or his family in trouble.

“It’s going to take two weeks. Have you told the others yet?” Fury drained his drink, pouring himself another from the bottle in front of him.

“Not yet. I’ll tell them tomorrow. They don’t need one more thing to worry about today.” 

Fury merely nodded, and the two of you sat in silence as the room around you swirled with talk of the man you’d loved and lost. 

The next morning everyone was seated around the table, some eating breakfast, some nursing a hangover, and some clutching a cup of coffee in their hands. You poured yourself a bowl of cereal before taking a seat next to the others. Silence filled the room as if everyone was afraid to be the first to speak. 

You cleared your throat softly, deciding it was best to just rip it off like a bandage, “I retired last night. I’m officially off duty.”

No one spoke for a long moment, but eventually, Clint broke the silence, “We’re going to miss you, kid.”

“Can’t say I didn’t see this coming” Tony sighed, “Clint’s right though, we’ll miss you here. You know no matter what you’re always a part of this family, right?”

Forcing a small smile on your face, you looked at Tony “Yeah… Thanks, guys. I know. I just… I can’t stay here. Losing B- losing him… I can’t, guys. I need to start new somewhere…”

“When do you leave?” Steve asked quietly.

“Fury says he needs two weeks to get all the paperwork together. I’m going deep under. I want to start over, so he’s got to take time to get the identity up and going and then purge it from the systems.”

“So, we won’t even be able to find you?” Sam raised an eyebrow, a frown on his face.

“I’m going to keep my phone so we can stay in touch… But yeah. I need a fresh start, somewhere new, somewhere no one can find me. And if you guys can find me… so can other people”

Nat didn’t say anything, she merely slung her arm over your shoulder and pulled you in for a side hug. Over the years you’d spent with the Avengers, the two of you had become close and she was the big sister you’d always dreamed of growing up. She’d taught you how to conceal a gun in even the skimpiest of dresses, how to flirt to get what you want, and how to beat Steve and Bucky in a game of pool. Leaving her behind was probably going to be the hardest of anyone. 

Over the next two weeks, everyone went out of their way to spend whatever time they could with you. Steve offered to take you to the movies, but all that had done was leave you sobbing again, remembering the last date you’d planned before your world had come crashing down. While you and Bucky had never gotten married, losing him felt like losing a husband, there was no doubt in either of your minds that you would one day get married, and in fact, the two of you had often talked about that someday. 

Nat helped you pack up your stuff. Determined to get a truly fresh start, you were determined to only bring what you could fit in 2 suitcases. One suitcase you filled with your clothing and things you’d need. The other you filled with things leftover of Bucky’s. You sealed his sweaters and clothes in bags, ensuring their smell remained trapped for as long as it could. You packed the photo album you’d given him last Christmas, the one you’d filled with photos of the two of you together. When you were going through his dresser, nestled among his sweaters you found a small velvet box. Inside it lay a simple engagement ring, the stone twinkling in the light. When you opened the box, a small note fell out. 

Doll, will you marry me?

You were infamous for stealing his sweaters, not a week would go by where you hadn’t searched this drawer for the perfect one to wear around the compound. As you slid the ring out of the box, you realized he’d left it here for you to find, his simple but sweet way of asking you to marry him. The realization that he would never get to hear you say yes, never get to see you wearing his ring hit home and you spent the rest of the day curled up in bed with Nat by your side. 

If Nat was your older sister, Sam was your supportive brother through and through. He was never far from your side, not wanting you to feel alone in all of this. When you found yourself crying again, he was always quick with a box of tissues and a warm cup of [favorite drink] ready to go. He always seemed to know what you needed, whether it was silent company or stupid knock-knock jokes. 

Some days you found it hard to keep food down, the idea of eating left you feeling nauseous. On those days, Sam would bring you some crackers, the only thing you could stomach until later in the afternoons. Other days you found it hard to get out of bed, exhaustion leaving you curled up in bed for a majority of the day. When you just couldn’t get out of bed, Nat would come and lay with you, and you’d watch funny movies or shows you could laugh at. 

Time keeps moving, as it always does, and eventually, Fury reached out. Your new identity was ready to go. Luckily it wasn’t too difficult to do. Even though you’d been a public member of the Avengers, because of your undercover work you’d almost always been wearing a photostatic veil when in public or on missions, it just made life easier if no one knew what you really looked like. With your new identity in hand, you knew it was time to go. Staying here, with the ghost of Bucky surrounding you was doing you no good. Every time someone walked through the door, you kept expecting it to be him, but it was never him, would never be him.

On your final night, everyone came over for a big dinner. Wanda and Vision even came to say goodbye, they’d been living off the compound for a while now, and were on an indefinite hiatus just living life as a normal couple - or as normal as they could. The night was full of laughter, but underneath it, all lay the undercurrent of sadness that had filled the compound since that day. Part of you was heartbroken at the realization this was the last time you’d see everyone for a long time, but if you were honest with yourself, you relished the idea of a fresh start. 

The next morning dawned bright, and for the first time in a long while, you didn’t wake up with nausea, headaches, or even exhausted. It was like your body knew it was time to leave, and you didn’t want to waste the time and stay, like it was ready to leave too. With your final goodbyes, you grabbed your bags and walked out, leaving the Avengers - and the ghost of Bucky - behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm halfway through chapter 3, and I'd like to say this will be the only story I write in this perspective haha. It's so weird and I'm not loving it! I'm commited to doing the story in it though, so I'm going to do the best I can.


	3. Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long break between chapters! When I posted chapter 2 I'd only meant to put it in my drafts but I accidentally posted it so instead of getting it on Sunday like you were supposed to, you got it immediately after the other. As of now, the story is at 13 chapters and I'll be releasing a chapter on Thursdays and Sundays - that way I have time to go back and fix things as I move along.

May  
You weren’t sure where you were headed when you left the compound, but you knew you had to go as far as you could. For the next two weeks, you wandered wherever the road took you in the Ford Explorer Fury had gifted you. At first, you traveled down to Florida and spent a few days on the coast. The smell of the fish that seemed to permeate the harbor areas left you feeling ill though, and you decided it was time to move. You slowly made your way along the southern coast, stopping in New Orleans for a few days to take in all the sights you’d always wanted to see. You even did a few of the cheesy ghost tours, a part of you hoping that maybe you would receive a sign from Bucky, but knowing you wouldn’t.

As you drove through Texas, you took the old two-lane roads through the middle of nowhere. On one hot summer day, you were driving when you saw a dog on the side of the road. The large German Shepherd mix was tied to a pole on the side of the road, a piece of paper that said ‘free’ taped to it above his lead. The dog had been tied out in the heat with no water for who knows how long, and without a second thought, you loaded him up into your car. Pouring some water into your hands, you gave him a bit before rushing him to the vet in San Antonio.

According to the vet, if you hadn’t come along when you did, someone would have found a dead dog in the summer sun. The vet scanned him for a microchip and was able to find out his name was Rex. His owner’s information was all outdated though, and when they asked what you wanted to do, you didn’t hesitate to say that he was staying with you. You found a hotel room nearby and stayed for the two days Rex spent at the vet, waiting for him to be given a clean bill of health. Every day, you went to visit him for as long as you could. He was always happy to see you and seemed to know you had saved him from a slow and horrible death. You constantly were texting the Avengers pictures of Rex, and Clint immediately claimed him as his godson.

When the day came that you finally got to pick him, you took him to the pet store where you bought him all the supplies he’d need, a nice collar, bed, leash, food bowls, treats, all of it. That night, Rex climbed onto the bed next to you and fell asleep with his head resting on your stomach. For the first time since losing Bucky, you finally slept through the night.

Back on the road, you drove until you reached Sedona, Arizona. There, you decided, was going to be your first stop. The beauty of the surrounding mountains and cliffs surrounded you, and it was completely unlike the forests and meadows you’d called home in upstate New York. The desert was never going to be the place you’d permanently settle down, but it was the perfect place to spend a few months, to heal before attempting to build a permanent life somewhere with Rex.

You found a small apartment on the outskirts of town with a balcony overlooking the cliffs and made it your own. It didn’t take long before you found a job at one of the diners in town working as a cook. You settled into the different lifestyle quickly and made a new routine, one that was reliable and without danger.

In the mornings, you’d take Rex for a jog on the hiking trail behind the apartments. By the time it started to heat up, you were back at the apartment, and Rex was relaxing. You’d go to the apartment’s gym where you’d do some basic exercises, even if you weren’t an Avenger anymore you wanted to be sure you were in shape just in case something happened. After that, you got ready for your shift and went to cook for the dinner rush.

Every day, you checked in with Nat and Sam, and usually one of the others. Everyone wanted to make sure you were doing alright and to be honest, you were. Things were hard of course, and you missed Bucky, you always would, but you were learning to live a new life. One that wasn’t haunted by the ghost of him. One where you didn’t have to worry every day about whether or not your friends would die in front of you.

June  
A month after getting settled into Sedona, you received a phone call from Steve. It was a late Tuesday night, and you’d just finished your shift at the diner, and you were walking back to your apartment down the quiet streets when you answered.

“[Y/N], we have to make the announcement” Steve’s voice was soft, careful as he spoke.

The warm night air seemed suddenly suffocating. You’d been so wrapped up in your own guilt that you forgot that to the rest of the world, Bucky was still alive somewhere, doing his job as an Avenger. When he first joined the team, he’d gotten mixed reviews from people on the street. Half the people they ran into feared him, blaming him for what he’d done as the winter soldier. The others seemed to understand and were more than willing to welcome him on as one of Earth’s Defenders. Over the years, he had managed to change the doubter’s minds and it wasn’t long before there was even fan merchandise being sold of him. Unlike Tony, he hadn’t relished the spotlight and tried to stand back whenever he could.

While you and Bucky had been more than happy to come out as a couple to the team, you’d decided to keep your relationship private. Since you always wore a photostatic veil when you were in public as one of the avengers, you didn’t want to make things awkward if someone saw him out with you when you weren’t wearing a disguise. He didn’t need the bad publicity if someone saw him kissing you with and without the veil. Besides, it was nice having something for just you and the team, one part of your life that didn’t belong to the world.

The realization struck you, the moment the world found out about his death? He’d be everywhere. You may have left the Avengers in the hope of avoiding his ghost, which still followed you, but the moment it was announced you’d see his face everywhere. The news coverage that would come was sure to run nonstop for days. There’d be a public funeral service. Bucky’s death would surround you once again, and this time you’d have no choice but to wait it out.

“[Y/N]?” Steve’s voice drew you out of your thoughts, reminding you of his presence.

“Y-yeah. Can you give me a little bit? A few days. Please. I just need to be ready.”

“Saturday, we have to do it then. People are beginning to ask why they haven’t seen him around lately and we can’t keep hiding this. There’s going to be a lot of questions” he paused before continuing, “People have been asking about you too.”

“Okay. That’s fine, that’ll work” your voice was nervous, trying to reassure yourself it would be alright, “What are you going to tell them about me?”

“You can still come back, you know. We miss you. Even Tony misses you.”

“I know. But I’m not coming back. I can’t. I can’t do that. I can’t watch one of you die again. I can’t do it again.”

“I can’t say if you come back you’ll never be in that position again, but we need you. It’s not the same without both of you…”

“No. I know, I miss you guys, I get it. But I can’t - won’t - go through that again”

“I just worry about you. Bucky wouldn’t want you to do this.”

“Bucky’s dead, Steve. We don’t know what he’d want, but he’d want me to be happy and I can’t stay there and pretend everything’s fine, okay?”

“Come home, [Y/N].” Steve’s voice lost the softness, his stubbornness setting in.

You could feel the frustration in you rising as Steve’s attitude changed. You’d been more touchy lately, but who wouldn’t be after losing the person they were meant to spend the rest of their life with?

“I am home.” you slid your key into the lock of your front door and were greeted by Rex’s wagging tail.

“You know what I mean.” he sighed, frustrated.

“No. No, I don’t. Because the complex isn’t my home, not anymore.”

“[Y/N]-”

“Look. I have to go. I just got in and I’m exhausted. You’re making the announcement on Saturday. I get it.”

“Come home. Please.”

You didn’t answer him, merely hanging up the phone. You set your phone on the small entry table by the door and leaned back against the door behind you. Sliding down, you sat on the floor, back against the door as the tears overwhelmed you again. You were getting better, truly. You could usually get through the day without crying by this point, but sometimes things were just too hard.

Looking back all you could see were the mistakes that were made. The things you could have done to save him. And in your darkest times, when it seemed like dawn would never come, you blamed Steve. If he hadn’t made you wait, you could have gotten to him in time. You could have warned him. You could have gotten him out of there, and you wouldn’t be here today. Blaming Steve wasn’t fair, you knew that, but sometimes it was hard to forget that.

Rex nuzzled his way into your face, and your hands closed around him, pulling him close as you broke. While you may have saved him, he’d more than repaid you since you brought him home. On the days you felt alone, he was always by your side. When you didn’t even want to get out of bed, he was there nudging you and making sure you got things handled. When you broke down at night, he was happy to lay with you and offer you a listening ear.

The night passed slowly, seeming to creep by. You slept in fits, but Rex was there every time you woke up. His calm presence lured you back to sleep every time. In your dreams, Bucky was there by your side again and things were good, things were happy and you got to relive some of your favorite memories.

The next morning, you called your boss, asking for Saturday and Sunday off. You’d been working every night since they hired you on. Not having days off meant you could live in the same routine day in and out, no surprises or confusion. Your manager quickly approved the request, and you began to plan.

Saturday came, and in the early morning hours you packed up your car with some supplies and Rex and set off on the five-hour drive to Apache-Sitgreaves National Forest. The forest there would give you the perfect chance to ride out the worst of the news coverage, give the world a chance to get over the shock while you were away.

You shut off your phone, knowing that if you left it on you’d be too distracted by what’s happening to focus on getting on getting away. The drive was nice, and you kept the music soft, not in the mood for anything loud at the time. On your drive to Sedona after finding Rex, you’d learned he was one of those pups who truly loved car trips. His antics as you drove kept your mind off the reason for the trip.

The towering pines and cool mountain weather enveloped you as pulled into the campground. The campground was all but deserted, only one other camper nearby and for that you were grateful. When you planned the trip, you feared that the campground would be busy and you’d be surrounded by couples and families, unable to get the chance to escape. Instead, you were able to focus on the peace and quiet of the forest.

The weekend passed quickly, too quickly for your liking. You and Rex spent the time hiking throughout the forest. Rex was eager to see it all, his exuberance reminding you that he was only a year old. For that, you were grateful. The idea of losing him, your only anchor left in the world, left your breath stuttering. Watching him bound after a squirrel, stopped by the leash, brought a quick burst of laughter from your lips, and with that, you left fears of losing him behind.

During your hike on Sunday, you stumbled upon a herd of wild horses. When you’d first decided to camp here you’d heard they had wild horses here, but you figured you’d never be lucky enough to see one. They were off in the distance across the meadow from you and didn’t seem bothered by your presence. The band stallion watched you for a moment when you first left the trees but quickly turned his attention back to his family, his mares too busy keeping an eye on their roughhousing foals to worry about you. You watched them with Rex for an hour before the herd moved on.

Monday morning seemed to arrive in the blink of an eye, and the dread you’d managed to put out of your mind all weekend crawled back in. Packing up the car, you kept eyeing the phone in the center console, terrified of what you would see when you inevitably turned it back on. For a long moment, you considered just not. Just leaving the phone behind, taking Rex, and running back into the wilderness.

But you couldn’t. Bucky’s death lay heavy on your shoulders, and you couldn’t face yourself if you had run from what happened. No, you had to face the music. And so, you did. The drive back to Sedona was a much more somber trip than the drive away, and you found your mind constantly wandering back to your phone, to what you’d turn it back on to find.

It wasn’t until you were back at your apartment with Rex napping at your feet, that you turned on your phone. It began to flood with notifications, emails from news organizations, and companies chiming in on his death. Texts from the avengers trying to check in on you grew more worried as the days ticked on. Quickly you shot off a text to them, letting them know you were okay, that you’d taken the weekend to go camping and hadn’t had phone reception. Almost immediately, you got responses from Nat and Sam, telling you they’d been worried. Steve’s response was to yell at you for scaring him. You didn’t text him back.

July  
It wasn’t until you’d been settled in Sedona for two months that you realized something was wrong. At first, you’d chalked missing your period off to stress, who wouldn’t be stressed after losing someone like that? But after four missed periods, you knew it was time to take a test. After your jog that day, you came home with three different kinds of tests, unsure what you hoped the answer would be. Within 15 minutes, the results were in.

Calling around, you were able to get a doctor’s appointment the next day for an official pregnancy test. Nerves ate at you about the idea of being a single mom, and a big part of you contemplated packing up and going back to the Avengers. If you chose to stay away from the Avengers, you’d be denying your kid the chance to really know their family, and your friends turned family the chance to know their niece or nephew.

The next morning your blood was drawn and within a few hours, they had the official results. You were pregnant. It wasn’t just a batch of faulty tests, it was definite. While the idea of going home to the Avengers, of having that support system, was a huge draw, you feared that going back would put you back in the same mental place you fled to get out of. With a baby on the way, could you really risk that?

You pulled out your phone, dialing Nat and before she could even say hello, you spoke, “Hey. Can you get everyone together?”

“Yeah, is everything okay?” she asked, before letting out a loud whistle. Clint loved to joke she’d trained them like dogs because they’d always come running when she whistled once.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’d just rather only tell this all once” you let out a nervous breath as you waited.

Within a few seconds, everyone had gathered on Nat’s line and after a quick round of hellos, you took a deep breath before blurting out, “I’m pregnant. About four and a half months along.”

The silence that came across the line was deafening, and you waited anxiously to hear how they’d react. Steve was the first to speak, “Y-you’re pregnant? With Bucky’s kid?” his voice was unsure.

“Yeah. Went to the doctor today and got it confirmed. I’m due in early January” you bit your lip, pulling it between your teeth nervously.

“Congrats, kid” you could hear the smile in Clint’s voice, and you let out a nervous breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding, “I guess I shouldn’t call you kid anymore though, huh?”

“Probably not” you chuckled softly.

“What are you going to do, [Y/N]?” Tony chimed in.

“What am I going to do?” you repeated back curiously, “I’m going to have my kid and raise them up the best I can.”

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Steve’s voice was quiet.

“Yes I’m sure I’m up to raising my own child, Steve.” your voice was hard.

“That’s not what I meant. I just - I meant you could always come back. You don’t have to do it alone.”

“I know what you meant, Steve. And no, I’m not going to come back because I’m pregnant. If anything, this just tells me I made the right call. I don’t want to raise a kid in that world, always having to wonder if I’m coming home or if they’re going to lose someone they love too.”

“You don’t have to rejoin us, you can just come home, you don’t have to fight.”

“Steve, no. I’m finally doing alright out here. I’ve got Rex, and soon I’ll have my kid, and I’m moving on. I’m not going to just move back to the compound because I’m pregnant. Women do this on their own every year. Look, I just wanted to share my news I wasn’t looking for a fight. I’m going to do what’s right for me and my kid” by the end, your voice was a low growl.

For a long moment, no one spoke. When silence began to echo down the line, you hung up and began to go about your day, hoping to forget their apparent doubt in you and your ability to be a good mom. You didn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your pregnancy is coming along!
> 
> Hey guys, sorry for the super long delay between chapters. Life kinda... spiraled. I'm doing alright now though. I've got this story written up through Chapter 13 at the moment and I'm working on Chapter 14. I expect the story to be 15 or 16 chapters with an epilogue when all is said and done so it's coming along!

The days began to tick by, and your baby bump began to grow. Looking down at the bump in the mirror, you couldn’t help but imagine how different things would be if it wasn’t for that one day. If it wasn’t for that one mistake, you’d be back at the complex and Bucky would have been there.

How would he have reacted? Would he have been excited from the start or would he have been afraid at first? No matter what, you knew he’d have been happy about it. You’d only talked about kids with him once, almost a year ago. It had been a late night after a mission, and you’d been sitting on the roof of the complex under the stars. The only sounds that night was the soft chirping of crickets and the gentle murmur of your voices. You’d been talking about his past, and he asked what you thought about naming your daughter, Rebecca. You’d said yes without even a shadow of hesitation. The way he phrased it, he’d known the two of you would always be together, and you couldn’t help but wonder when he’d bought the ring - was it before that night? After? 

Ever since they found out you were pregnant, the team had become suffocating. It seemed like someone was texting you every hour to check on you and make sure you were okay. You understood, they were just excited. And it was Bucky’s baby too, their last tie to a fallen teammate. Over the weeks though, they began to grate on you. The worst though were Steve and Tony. Once a day, you received a text from either both or one of them, asking you to come home. The first week or so, you’d text them a simple no and an explanation, a reminder of why you’d left. Eventually, you just stopped responding to them.

At your 20 week appointment, you were excited to find out if you were carrying a baby boy or girl. You were torn between wanting a son or a daughter, a daughter would give you the chance to name her Rebecca like you and Bucky had planned, but the idea of having a little boy who looked just like Bucky was perfect too. What you didn’t expect, was to find out you were pregnant with twins. Twin boys to be exact.

The reality of the situation didn’t really hit you until you were at the apartment. Since you found out you were pregnant, you’d become emotionally prepared for life with you, a baby, and Rex. Raising a baby alone was a scary prospect, but you’d faced scarier things in your life and you’d get through it. Twins though, couples struggled with raising them and you’d be doing it on your own. For the first time in months, you considered going back. 

Fear and panic had begun to race through your mind, cycling thoughts of despair running in a circle until a panic attack set in. With shaky fingers, you’d pulled out your phone and dialed Sam. They’d been waiting for word about the gender all day, so when he answered and heard your panic, he’d begun to assume the worst. It had taken you twenty minutes to calm down enough to tell him you hadn’t lost the baby, that you were carrying twins. For the first time, Sam asked you to come home. 

When you said no, he asked you to just think about it. And you did. Going home would be so simple, they’d welcome you back with open arms. But going home meant being surrounded by Bucky’s ghost again. You’d either move back into the apartment you had shared with him, or you’d have to ask to have a new apartment. You weren’t sure which idea scared you more. Going home would mean waiting there every time they went on a mission, terrified that they wouldn’t all walk back through that door again.

On the other hand, you couldn’t help but think about all the things you and the boys would miss out on. They’d never have Sam to teach them how to throw a ball, Tony to teach them how to drive a car. Steve would never make sure they helped mind their manners, and Nat would never get to teach them how to fight. You’d never get to see your family all together. How could you deny the kids that? 

But how could you go back? Go back and admit you can’t do it? Go back and be surrounded by your loss? Over time, you knew it would swallow you whole, and that’s why you had left after the funeral. If you had stayed, if you went back, you knew you’d lose yourself. And you weren’t sure you’d find yourself again.

In the end, you decided to stay in Sedona. Nat began to call you daily after she heard about the panic attack. She always said she was just trying to keep in touch, but you knew she was really hoping you’d slip up and let her know where you were. There was no doubt in your mind she’d come if she knew where you were. And you couldn’t have that, couldn’t have her walking in. Because if she could find you, so could your enemies and with the babies on the way that was a risk you couldn’t take. If any of the avengers ever found out where you were living, you’d have to leave. 

The more they began to try and get your location out of you, the more paranoid you became. Tony never tried to hide the fact he wanted to find you, and you respected that. Sam and Nat were sneakier about it, trying to ask you little questions that would give them little hints. Over the months you worked on an escape plan in case they found you. You set up a new identity, slowly beginning to add her into databases and building a backstory for that life that you could use if the time ever came. 

As your pregnancy progressed, you started working shorter shifts. Luckily Fury had been able to help you hide your money under the new identity when you left, so you didn’t have to worry. You’d been paid handsomely for your time in the Avengers, and it was more than enough for you to start over with. With twins on the way, you knew you’d need the extra money.

Summer rolled into Autumn and the Avengers had become more determined in their search for you. At one point you’d even reached out to Fury again, asking him to tell them to back off. They didn’t listen. Slowly, you began to answer their calls less and less. Between moving to a bigger apartment, working shifts at the diner, and the new restrictions your doctor had started to place on you, you just didn’t have time to talk to them. Or at least that’s what you told them. Other than a quick walk around the block and your shifts at the diner, you were supposed to stay inside and stay off your feet. So, you began to take up little odd skills you’d always been curious about - knitting, crochet, sewing, you even tried piano. 

By the time Halloween rolled around, you were officially on maternity leave. Your doctor had let you work for longer than expected because of how well the pregnancy was progressing, but eventually they decided the more relaxed things were for you, the better. Tony and Steve had given up on calling you months ago, you never answered and so long as you still answered for Sam or Nat, they didn’t want to push you too far away. 

Thanksgiving was hard. You’d always made a big deal out of it with the team, and you’d have a big turkey and play games all day. Clint was always away with his family, but he’d usually video call in to say hi. That afternoon, you locked yourself in the bathroom after hiding anything identifying and video called the Avengers for the first time in months. Watching them, you felt like an outsider for the first time. Without you, their lives had gone on. There was no trace in what you saw that you had ever existed.

On December 6, one month before your due date, your water broke. You’d had a cesarean section planned for your due date, but the boys didn’t want to wait. Your next door neighbor drove you to the hospital, and while you were on the way you called Nat to let her know what was going on. Even though you’d drifted apart over the months, you’d promised to let her know when the babies were on the way. 

Your labor was progressing nicely, everything going well. The doctor’s were careful to monitor the twins throughout the entire labor, and you were able to deliver two healthy baby boys at 8:28 and 8:46 pm on December 6. After the twins were born you asked a nurse to send a quick text for you, letting Nat and Sam know.

Smiling down at the bassinets after the nurses returned them from being checked, you were greeted by your two gorgeous and healthy baby boys. With the nurses help, you were able to get both of the boys settled in your arms. They shared their father’s familiar shade of brown hair, and as you held them close the familiar stab of pain struck your heart as you realized their father would never see them, never hold them close. He’d never teach them to ride a bike, he’d miss it all. 

In the early morning hours, you were awoken by a familiar voice in the hall. A too familiar voice. Moving slowly, you sat up in bed, glancing over at the boys in the bassinets next to you before pulling the sheet up to cover you more securely. 

“Thank you Ma’am. I promise we won’t be an issue.” Steve walked through the door, followed by Tony, Nat, and Sam. 

Waiting until the door was shut behind them, you turned to face them, your voice a low growl “What in the hell are you guys doing here?” 

“Come on, kid. Don’t be that way. We’re your family, I thought you’d be happy to see us.” Tony spoke up.

“So what, you thought you’d just roll up and put my kids in danger? You being here puts us all in danger. Do you really think word won’t get out that the fucking Avengers came to visit me in the hospital?!” you fought to keep the fury in your voice contained, careful to not wake the twins. 

“We were careful, [Y/N]. We know better than to take unnecessary risks. There’s a reason we’re here at 3am, and it isn’t just to wake you up. Only that nurse knows we’re here and we ran checks on her, she won’t say a word.” Nat’s voice was placating, like talking to a wild animal.

You said nothing, merely turning to look at the twins again, sleeping peacefully in their bassinets. 

“If you want us to go, we will.” you felt the bed next to you dip as Sam took a seat, his hand resting on your leg, “I don’t want to stress you out, but we miss you. Seriously. And I wanted to be here for you.” 

“What’s done is done” you sighed, knowing what had to come next but knowing there was nothing you could do until you were discharged, “I missed you too.” 

Steve moved closer to the bassinets, staring down at the boys, “What are their names?” 

You nodded to the crib on the left, “That’s James and his brother is George” you paused before shooting a half smile at Nat, “Sorry. Maybe one day you’ll get a Natasha.”

Nat laughed quietly, looking down at the baby in the crib, “One day. Until then I can live with two Nathaniels.”

“So, how’d you find me?” 

“When you called to tell us it was time, the radio was on in the background. It was a local station, there’s not too many hospitals out here and it wasn’t too hard to find which one had a woman giving birth to twins” Sam offered, and you sighed

“Where’s Clint?” you asked, puzzled by his absence. 

“Clint said we were making a mistake, said he wouldn’t be a part of it.” Tony explained, smiling down at the newborns.

You didn’t respond to him, but in your head you thanked Clint for honoring you and your wishes. With his family being kept secret, he understood the need to keep your lives separate. Nat truly must have believed they’d been careful enough, but there was no way to be sure of your safety, not like that.

For two hours, the Avengers hung out with you in the private room. At 5am, the nurse poked her head in and everyone know her shift ended in half an hour. The Avengers said their goodbyes, letting you know what hotel they said they’d be staying in. After promising to come visit as soon as you were discharged, they left. As they left, you knew you’d never see them again.

When the doctor discharged you later that morning, you loaded your babies up into your car that your neighbor had been kind enough to drop off for you. When you arrived back at the apartment, you grabbed Rex from your neighbor and thanked her for all of her help and grabbed the go bag you’d stashed in the closet weeks ago. You’d made not only one for yourself and Rex, but one for the kids. Throwing them in the back of the car and letting Rex into the front seat, you took one last look at the gorgeous cliffs surrounding Sedona and began the drive out of town. 

An hour after leaving town, you stopped to fill up your gas tank before you continued on your journey. While the gas tank filled, you pulled out your phone and shot off one last text message before turning it off and leaving it behind in the trash can.

_I asked you not to follow me. I asked you to not put my family in danger. I have to take care of my boys. Please, let me go. I love you, but we have to go. Stay safe xxx_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years Pass
> 
> (Have 2 chapters tonight because I feel guilty haha)

You drove North. When you were making the plans to leave, you knew there were only two places for you to go - the North, or down to the South. You’d always complained about the cold of winter, so the team would surely expect you to go to the southern states, somewhere winter wouldn’t bug you. When you reached Vegas, you sold your car and bought a new one at a different dealership under your new name to hide your tracks.

You spent all day in the car, stopping every time the twins cried, and spending the night in roadside motels. With all of the stops, it took you four days of driving to reach Montana. Your plan was to go up to Eureka, Montana and make a life for you there. With just over 1000 occupants, the town was small enough that you could get to know everyone, but large enough to hide you in events. 

You were almost there, 20 minutes outside of Eureka in a town called Trego, when you passed a small run down diner off the side of the road with a ‘For Sale’ sign out front. The old light blue paint was peeling, the signs outdated and the lights gone out. But something about it, some part of it called to you. You unloaded the babies, dropping the windows in the car and leaving Rex inside as you headed inside the diner. 

Inside the vinyl on the benches had become cracked, the linoleum chipped. But there was something about it. From the moment you walked inside, it felt comfortable. Walking through those front doors felt like home, and you knew you’d found where you were meant to be. 

Within a month, you’d bought the diner from the old owner, as well as a beautiful log cabin on the edge of Dickey Lake. The locals had been very displeased when you immediately shut the diner down, but when you’d hired some handymen to help renovate it, their attitude turned around.

With a new paint job and re-upholstered booths, it wasn’t long before the diner was ready to re-open. You changed the name to Rebecca’s and a month after buying it, you re-opened. It quickly became a beloved spot in town. People passing through on highway 93 began to pour in, and business was soon booming.

People questioned why you had named it Rebecca’s at first, while they liked the new name, there was something about losing a name they’d loved. You’d explained a few times that it was the name of your dead sister-in-law, and word seemed to spread quickly. The new name quickly caught on, and it wasn’t long before you’d hear people downtown talking about going to Becca’s for dinner.

Raising the twins was hard, as you’d known it would be. There were many sleepless nights, nights where they’d take turns crying and waking you up and you’d find yourself crying yourself to sleep, exhaustion breaking you down. You’d quickly made friends in town though, and on your worst days, one of the locals would stop by and stay for a few hours so you could take a nap.

When you’d first arrived, there had been some questions about the boy’s dad. You’d taken to wearing Bucky’s ring, trying not to wonder how he’d have reacted when he saw you wearing it. As far as the town was concerned, your husband James had passed away in a mining accident, and with no family you’d decided to try your luck somewhere new. No one questioned it.

The first year was the hardest. You missed the Avengers. You missed getting to text them, getting to tell them the boy’s first words, getting to send them pictures and share your life with them. Every day, you wondered if you’d gone too far, if maybe you should reach out to them, let them know you were okay, you were safe. Until one day, when the news reports featured a war in Upstate New York, the complex took heavy damages. Luckily, there were no casualties but you couldn’t help but think how much easier it would be to hurt you and the boys alone in remote Montana. As time ticked by, you slowly thought about calling them less and less, every day adjusting to the new normal.

Rex was happy in his new life too. He loved exploring the woods at your home, and watching as the boys learned to walk. Whenever you were outside with the boys, Rex never took his eyes off of them, always keeping a close eye for danger. On the days you went in to work at the diner, Rex would tag along with you. No one seemed to mind as he came and went, approaching people for a quick scratch before laying back down behind the counter. You’d even set up a small place under the counter for him to sleep but keep him out of the way. 

As the boys got older, you started bringing them with you to the diner to work instead of leaving them with a babysitter. You set up a playpen in a back corner near the counter and you’d keep an eye on them while you worked. The boys learned to walk in the diner, toddling along the linoleum floor in between customers. 

You slowly became a beloved family member of the town. You were invited to birthday parties, holidays, everything. The guys looked after you like their own baby sister, and the girls made sure you never felt alone. Of course there were some old busy bodies always starting trouble, spreading rumors about the new girl from out of town but no one paid them any mind. 

Over the years, life moved on and you did too. You missed Bucky, of course you did, but in the end, you were happy there in your new home. When you’d see the Avengers come on tv, it felt like that life belonged to a different person, and in a way it did. You were no longer that person you’d been. You no longer killed, no longer woke up each day not sure if it would be your last, and that feeling… was intoxicating. You still trained daily, in the early morning hours before the boys were awake, just in case anything ever happened, but it was different now. It was more of an exercise, as opposed to being prepared for the almost daily life or death battle. 

The boys may have been identical physically, but personality wise they couldn’t have been more different. James was a shy child, always hanging on to you as you worked, hiding his face behind your leg when someone tried to talk to him. George on the other hand? He was so outgoing it scared you, he’d run up to anyone and start babbling away, he had no fear of new people. 

What threw most people though, was the fact that James may have been the quiet one, but he was the trouble maker. Your favorite story to tell people about him was the time he decided he wanted a cookie after you’d told him no, so he’d dragged a chair over to the counter, climbed up, then onto the counter and was halfway onto the fridge before you realized what he was doing. George was just sitting at the bottom, watching cautiously. 

Your favorite story to tell about George was the time he managed to get into the giant tub of coconut oil. You’d bought a 5 gallon bucket on Amazon once, instead of the small tub you’d intended to, and it had been sitting in your pantry ever since. You’d been on the phone with the neighbor while you cooked dinner, and when you turned around there he was, covered head to toe in coconut oil and you couldn’t help but laugh. He’d pouted at you for laughing at him, and you’d scooped up your oily little boy, kissed him on the forehead and immediately went off for a bath. He smelled like coconut oil for a week after that. 

When the boys turned four, you signed them up for swimming lessons. James took to it like a duck to water, and you had a hard time keeping him out of the water the following summer. George wasn’t a big fan of all the rules, but what he did enjoy was splashing everyone - particularly James. 

You cried the day the boys went to kindergarten for the first time. Their teacher, Miss Jay, was a frequent customer at the diner and the boys couldn’t wait to spend the day with her so when you dropped them off, they ran into her room with just a wave goodbye. You’d gone back to your car and sobbed for thirty minutes. On days like that, the ghost of Bucky sat heavy, and the guilt you’d long ago accepted came flooding back. It was hard, but you made it through. And when the boys came home that day telling you so excitedly about their amazing day, you smiled and laughed along with them. 

Teaching them to ride a bike had been a disaster. You’d brought the bikes home and spent all morning putting them together. Only problem was, James’ bike was missing a piece. And it wouldn’t be in for two weeks. The boys hadn’t wanted to wait any longer, and had convinced you they could just share until then. Which seemed like a great plan until James was ready to ride without the training wheels and George was not. For the next two weeks, it felt like you were constantly putting on and taking off the training wheels. 

For their sixth birthday, you took them on a trip to California. Rex wasn’t happy to be left behind in Montana, but you guys were flying and you didn’t feel right putting him on a plane. The first thing you did when you got there was take the boys to Disneyland. George fell in love with Cinderella from the get go, and had stood back watching her for the longest time before she saw him and posed with him for a picture. James was infatuated with Peter Pan, and you’d spent all day trying to figure out where he would be. You’d almost given up hope when a cast member saw how upset he was and managed to arrange a special meeting. For the rest of the trip, the boys just kept talking about how amazing it was.

You’d taken them to the beach for the first time too. You’d spent weeks before the trip teaching them all about the dangers of the ocean waves and currents, and so when you told them they could only go in the water when holding your hand they didn’t fight you. After that, you took them to the Aquarium of the Pacific, where they got to pet the stingrays and jellyfish and got to feed the colorful birds. 

After you got home from the trip with the boys, you soon learned that the Avengers had been in that same part of California as you had. The fear rose in your chest, and for weeks you worried they’d found you, that they’d show up and you’d have to leave again. How could you raise the boys on the run? Forcing them to leave behind the only home they’d ever known because you worried someone bad would find you. As weeks passed with no unexpected visitors, you merely chalked it up to an unlucky moment and decided to be more careful on vacations in the future. 

Through the years you’d become close to your neighbor down the road. Ty owned the mechanic shop right next door to the diner, and whenever something broke that you couldn’t fix he was your first call. He’d lost his wife to cancer two years after you moved in, and the two of you had bonded over the loss of your loved ones. It seemed like everyone in town had a bet on when the two of you would start dating, but you both knew that would never happen. It probably didn’t help that you both loved Criminal Minds so he’d taken to calling you a variety of fun pet names every time. You loved each other like siblings, and he was more than happy to step in and fill the role of father figure for the boys. Of course, they knew he wasn’t their dad but it was nice to have a positive male role model for them. Part of you wondered what things would have been like if you’d let Steve, Sam and Tony be in their lives, but that only lasted until news of another Avengers related disaster hit the news. 

Ty’s mother, Kay, soon became Grandma Kay to you and the boys. Since Ty and his wife never had children of their own, she was more than happy to welcome your family in as her grandchildren. You never felt unwelcome or out of place in her house, and growing up the boys loved getting to go spend the night at Grandma Kay’s, or “Gamma Kay’s” house as they’d say when they were younger. For the first time in a long time, you felt like you had a real family and you couldn’t have been more grateful to them for welcoming you in without a second thought. 

On April 28th every year, Ty would take the boys for the day. He’d take them to the movies and ice cream, and out on adventures so you could have the day to yourself. That evening, they’d always spend the night at Grandma Kay’s. And every year, you’d spend the day crying in bed. While the rest of the year you managed to get by with just a few shed tears here and there, the anniversary of Bucky’s death hit you just as hard every year. Long ago you’d learned to accept that the past couldn’t be changed. You couldn’t go back and save him, the only thing you could do was let go of the guilt and the blame. 

When the boys were old enough, they joined the local cub scouts group. The night of their first ever camping trip you stayed up all night, and didn’t sleep a wink. You’d never spent a night away from them before, and you kept waiting for a phone call. It wasn’t until dawn that you nodded off on the couch, phone clutched in your hand and Rex curled up at your feet. The boys were so excited when they got home they wouldn’t stop talking about how much fun it had been for almost a week, and you had to promise to go camping with them as soon as you could. 

It was a slow Wednesday afternoon in the diner, the lunch rush had already passed but the dinner crowd hadn’t come yet. You were just hanging out with the server and chef on duty, talking about your plans for the upcoming weekend when a news bulletin caught your attention. There’d been another attack on the Avengers complex in upstate New York, and this time it was a bad one. Most of the buildings had been completely destroyed, and no one knew if there had been any casualties. 

Your employees couldn’t figure out why you looked at the tv like your world had just come crashing down around you as you waited for any news. Eventually, they’d called Ty and he’d taken you back to your home. You didn’t explain, and he didn’t ask questions. Your eyes were glued to the television for the rest of the day. Ty took the kids for the day, and you could never thank him quite enough for that. Rex and you watched the reports, hands shaking until you saw your team give a press conference reassuring everyone they were okay. 

For their seventh birthday, James asked for a skateboard and George asked for a pony. You couldn’t say no to them, not on something like this, but you weren’t quite sure you guys were prepared for the life of pony ownership, so instead you signed George up for lessons at the local stable. 

George took to riding like a natural, and the smile that lit up his face the first time he mounted up brought a tear to your eye. Within six months you’d bought him a sweet old school horse, a horse who had seen and done it all and was perfect for him to learn on. George named him after his favorite Avenger - Falcon. You cried that night, wanting nothing more than to just call and catch up with Sam and Nat, but you didn’t.

James was a nightmare with the skateboard and within a week he’d started building ramps out of spare wood he earned helping out at the hardware store in town. Ty helped him build the ramps, and you watched nervously as he became more and more of a daredevil. When he fell and broke his arm, Ty cried and blamed himself. You’d merely sighed and told him James would have found a way to do it anyways, if anything Ty had made sure it was only a broken arm. 

The years slowly ticked by and before you knew it, it had been eight years since you’d last spoken to any of the Avengers, almost nine years since you lost Bucky. Life was good, and your biggest worry was Rex getting up there in years. The vet said he was almost 10 now, and you could see it in the graying of his muzzle. He wasn’t quick to greet every visitor to the diner anymore, happy to just sit and watch the people as they went about their lives. 

You didn’t hear the chime of the diner door opening, too busy chatting with Ty at the far end of the counter as you poured him a cup of coffee. It wasn’t until Rex let out one loud bark that you turned around to see what was up. In all the years you’d been running the diner, he’d never once done that so when you noticed the stranger standing at the diner entrance you watched cautiously as they removed their baseball cap and looked up at you.

The carafe slid from your grasp, shattering on the linoleum at your feet. Your hands flew up to cover your mouth and you froze, your eyes locked on the familiar figure in front of you. Your eyes knew what they were seeing, but your brain couldn’t process it, couldn’t believe what it was seeing.

You felt a warm hand settle on your shoulder and Ty’s voice seemed to echo through the now silent diner, “You okay, baby girl?”

The familiar man in front of you glanced at the ring on your finger, then Ty’s hand on your shoulder, and shoved his baseball cap back on his head, leaving just as quickly as he had arrived. 

You stood there frozen for a long time, before breaking out of the trance and racing out the door after him. He was long gone, no trace he was ever there and if it wasn’t for Ty and Rex’s reactions, you’d have thought he was a hallucination. Ty followed you outside, but you weren’t listening to anything he said, could barely hear the questions that poured from him. 

You bit back a sob, one name slipping through your lips as tears began to track down your cheeks, “Bucky….”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens now?

“Tell me what’s going on, please sweetheart” Ty’s voice was soft, warm as he spoke. The warmth of his hands on your shoulders grounded you.

“I need you to take over today, please. I’ll explain it all later, I swear” your voice was barely a whisper, your eyes still locked onto the highway he’d surely disappeared down. 

Without waiting for him to agree, you’d raced inside, grabbing your phone and keys. Rex raced along after you as quick as he could in his old age, and you let him climb in before you peeled off down the road. You weren’t sure which way to go, but you decided South seemed like the best chance. 

As you drove, you dialed a number you hadn’t typed in years, your eyes scanning every car you passed. The line rang and rang, and you were beginning to give up hope when they finally answered.

“Sam? Sam, I just saw Bucky” your voice broke. 

“[Y/N]? Fuck, is that really you?” he sounded shocked, and you couldn’t really blame him.

“Yeah, it's me. I know. I just - listen. Bucky was here, Sam and now he’s gone again and I know I sound crazy but -” the words flew out of you. 

“I know - He’s alive, [Y/N]. Hydra had him. We’ve been trying to find you but no one could track you down” his voice was soft. 

As his words registered, you pulled over to the side of the road, slamming the truck into park, “He… He was alive? All this time? How long has he been back, Sam” your voice was so low he could barely hear you by the end.

“A year. We got him back a year ago. You did a good job hiding your tracks” Sam sighed, “We weren’t sure we’d ever find you, another month or two and we’d have held a press conference. He’s been trying to find you since the day he got back.”

“Why’d he leave then, Sam?” 

“What do you mean?” you could hear the confusion as plain as day in his voice.

“I mean… He saw me, and before I could do anything or say anything he left” you whimpered.

“What? Okay, hold on. You’re sure it was him? And he saw you?” 

“Yeah. He saw me, and I froze and then he left, Sam. He left me.”

“Just, just hold on one second, okay?” Sam held his hand over the receiver on his end, and you could hear him calling out for someone. For a moment all you could hear was muffled voices, then a new voice came on the line.

“[Y/N]?” Nat sounded cautious as if afraid she’d scare you away, “Sam told me what’s going on. He’s going to call Bucky from my phone, but can you tell me what happened?”

The story poured out of you in a quick ramble, “I was in the diner with Ty. And Rex barked, and he never does that so I turned to see who it was. He took off his baseball cap, and I knew it was him, and then he looked at me and I’d know those eyes anywhere. I know it was him, Nat, I know it. But I froze. I froze and I didn’t move and he left, but I thought I was seeing a ghost but Ty kept asking who that was and what happened and I tried to go after him but I don’t know where he is.” 

“Okay, look, Sam’s got him on the line so give me a second and we’ll figure out what’s going on, alright?” 

The silence seemed to stretch on forever, you could hear Sam talking in the background but you couldn’t understand what he was saying. The old familiar guilt began to run through your mind again, what if he blamed you? What if he hated you? Only this time, you had the added fear of what if he hated you for leaving? What if he hated you for taking his kids away? For hiding and them not being able to find you.

“I’m going to put you on speakerphone, [Y/N], okay? That way you can hear what Sam has to say.” Nat gave you a second to agree before she did. 

“Bucky” Sam paused as if trying to find the right way to phrase it, “Bucky needs time. He needs a little time. Seeing you was a shock and he needs a little bit to get his thoughts in order, okay?”

“How long? Does he want me to meet him somewhere? Why does he need time?” the questions flew out of you, rapid-fire. 

“He’s been through a lot, [Y/N]. I don’t know, he just needs time. He’ll come see you when he’s ready…” Sam sighed, the frustration evident in his voice.

“How much more time can he need, Sam? It’s been almost nine years. Nine. Years.” 

“I know, but you know how it is. He’ll come around.” Sam didn’t sound so sure this time.

“So what? Now I just go back to my house and pretend everything is fine until he decides to come talk to me?”

“I guess so,” he paused before continuing “How are you? How are the boys?”

“We-we’re fine. I run a diner, George has a show this weekend - he rides horses and competes when he can. Ty’s going to take him since I’m taking James down to Kalispel, I promised he could have a dog if he proved he could be responsible so we’re going to look at some puppies for him. But um, they’re good. How are you? I saw the press conference after the complex got destroyed. I hear you’re rebuilding?”

Silence echoed down the line for a bit before Nat spoke, “That’s right. We’re rebuilding. Tony’s taking advantage of the rebuild to make everything even more state of the art. I’m glad you and the boys are doing alright.”

“That sounds like a very Tony thing to do” you took a deep breath before speaking again, “I’m sorry. Just so you know, I really am sorry.”

This time it was Sam who answered you, “How come you didn’t call? Hell, you could have emailed or written or anything, [Y/N]. You sent one text then just up and disappeared the day after giving birth. We thought something bad happened to you. You could have at least told us you were alive at some point.” 

“I wasn’t in a good place for a long time. And every time I thought about it, I’d turn on the news and you’d be locked in some new fight and I knew if I did, I could put the kids at risk again. If you could find me, so could someone else. And what if they wanted to hurt me? Hurt the boys? I didn’t want to risk it, I wouldn’t survive if anything happened to them because of me. I missed the hell out of you but I couldn’t - can’t - risk the kids.”

“We thought you were dead.” Steve’s voice cut in, “We thought you were right. Maybe someone did have it out for you and for all we knew you were dead and it was our fault. Bucky refused to give up on you.”

“I’m so sorry, Steve. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and yeah I didn’t do the best job, but I did the best I could. Every time I talked to you guys, you asked me to come home and made me feel like I couldn’t possibly ever do it on my own and then you did the one thing I asked you not to do, and you showed up at the hospital and I panicked, okay.” your voice was almost a whimper by the end. 

No one spoke for a long time, and when the silence became deafening you began to ramble, “Sam, Falcon is George’s favorite Avenger. He even named his horse after you. He’s a good horse, reliable as all hell. Together they’ve been through quite a few shows and he always takes care of him. Steve, you’re James’ favorite. He loves reading about all the stupid things you did as a kid. At first, I thought he was joking when he said he wanted to start that much trouble someday, but I’ll be honest, I’m not sure he was anymore. He got expelled from school two weeks ago for fighting. I guess some older kids were picking on some girl and he stepped in. We took him out for ice cream after.” you chuckled breathlessly. 

It was silent for a long while before Clint spoke, “What you’re telling me is the boys have horrible taste. I mean, Sam and Steve? None of them picked me?” 

Clint’s simple joke seemed to break the nervous spell everyone was under, and it wasn’t long before questions began to fly back and forth. For the next hour, you sat in your truck on the side of the road, answering every question they could come up with. When darkness began to fall, you’d reluctantly hung up the phone after promising to keep in touch and began the drive back to your home.

During the drive home, your thoughts wandered, and you couldn’t help but wonder why Bucky would come all this way only to leave. Why would he come and leave? Why would he say he needed time? How could he come back after years only to disappear before you even had the chance to say hello? There was no way to know how much Hydra had put him through this time, so you’d just have to wait for him to come back. You couldn’t abandon the twins to chase after Bucky, and if the team said he’d be back, that he just needed time, you had to trust them. 

You were too wrapped up in your own thoughts to notice the little black car that followed you until you pulled into your driveway. By the time you’d unloaded Rex and headed inside the car and its occupant was long gone.

Back in the house, Ty was waiting for you to come home. He’d ordered pizza in for him and the boys, and they were off working on their homework in their rooms when you walked in. Ty didn’t ask you for any details, didn’t pressure you to tell him anything, he merely traded you your truck keys for a glass of water and took a seat, waiting patiently for you to explain.

And you did. You told him everything, everything about your time in the Avengers, the truth about Bucky being the boy’s dad, and how’d you lost him. Ty sat quietly, taking it all in as you told him every little detail you could think of, your whole life story just spilled from your lips like water from a broken dam. And he didn’t flinch, didn’t hesitate once. When you told him who had walked into the diner that morning, he merely reached out and rested his hand on yours. 

Ty offered you no false promises, he never had. He was your best friend, and he’d promised to always shoot you straight, no matter if it hurt to hear or not. 

“[Y/N], you don’t know what his time away has done to him. He might not be the same person you knew back then, and the two of you may never reconcile. But you can’t know what's going to happen, not yet. Maybe he just got spooked from seeing you for the first time in years, maybe he’s just not healed enough after what he’s been through. Give him time, don’t let him take your new life from you.”

Ty had stayed for a cup of late-night tea before he left. You promised to keep him up to date when he left, knowing there’d be hell to pay if you didn’t. Last time you broke a promise to keep him up to date, you’d come home to find sticky notes covering every inch of your kitchen. The boys had loved every minute of it, and it had sparked a six-month-long prank war. Things had only come to an end when George almost broke his arm falling out of a tree they were trying to put all of Ty’s notebooks in. 

As you tucked the boys into bed that evening, you realized you had to make a decision on what to tell them. You’d always been vague in the past, just telling them their father’s name was James, and he’d been a good man who died trying to save others. They’d long ago given up asking for more detailed answers, but you’d always known the day was coming where you’d have to tell them the truth. 

How do you tell your kids that their father was one of the Avengers - just like you were - and that he’s not actually dead like the world believed?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's Back?

It was the longest two weeks of your life before he came back. You didn’t tell the boys the truth about their father, instead you merely began to teach them about the Winter Soldier. Of course over the years you’d talked about him some, how could you not. Once you knew he was back though, you talked about him daily, telling the boys all about him, what’d he been through, and what he was like after. Every day they asked you for new stories about the winter soldier, and you were more than happy to comply.

When you’d gone to Kalispel with James to pick a dog, he’d fallen head over heels with a rottweiler puppy he’d seen, but the pup was still too young to leave his family. You’d have to go pick him up in a month when he was 10 weeks old. James couldn’t wait, and to be honest neither could you. The idea of a new pup in the house gave you something to focus on, something reliable to look forward to. 

At the diner, you found yourself more distracted than usual and sometimes you struggled to focus on what was going on. Luckily you had an amazing staff and they were able to step up and help you out, never pushing you for answers you couldn’t give. Word had spread around town about that day, but no one dared to question you about it. You’d always been a private person, and they trusted you’d talk about it when you were ready.

The first few nights, Ty basically moved into your house and crashed on the couch. You’d worried him when you explained why you had decided to hide your true identity and connections, and he couldn’t help but worry someone would find you in the night. Eventually, you managed to convince him to go home after proving you could kick his butt in a fight and promising he would be your second call - your first call would be to the Avengers. 

Every day you waited anxiously for Bucky to appear, and every day you were disappointed when he did not. Every fiber of your being called out to you to hunt him down, but you just couldn’t do it. What if between his time with Hydra and the time spent apart, he fell out of love with you? What if you went after him and someone found the boys while you were gone. No, you had to sit and wait and hope he’d come back. For the first time, you truly understood how Sam and Nat must have felt when you’d disappeared the last time.

On Thursday afternoon, after the lunch run but before the dinner rush started, the familiar bell of your door rang and you immediately whirled around like you’d done every time for the last two weeks. This time though you weren’t met with disappointment. 

Bucky stood in front of you, his long hair tucked back behind his ears, and his eyes lingered on you. Time seemed to stop as you stared at each other, truly taking the time to take the other in. His eyes were the same gorgeous shade you’d always loved, but there was a new wall up, he was guarded, unsure. 

As he stood there, you slowly began to move towards him, every step was calculated, terrified he’d run away again. But he didn’t move, just watched as you approached. When you were a mere few feet away you paused before racing at him, your arms quickly wrapping around him, your face burrowing into his shoulder. For what seemed like forever, he didn’t move, stiff as a board. But when your tears began to wet his shirt, his arms found their way around you. You clung to each other like a desperate man fighting to hold onto the life preserver. 

You fit together like two puzzle pieces, and with his arms around you, the years faded away. It was like he had never disappeared, like you’d never fled with his kids. For a moment, everything was right with the world. Like all good things, it didn’t last long enough. Too soon for your liking, you found you both pulling away, your eyes searching one another for something. You searched for forgiveness, but you couldn’t tell what he searched for. 

“Hey, Buck” your voice was a soft whisper as if afraid speaking up would break the spell and he’d disappear. 

“Hey, Doll.” The familiar timbre of his voice seemed to echo through the air, and you felt tears begin to flow down again.

Silence lingered for a moment, you were too caught up in the moment to even register that you should respond, but Bucky spoke again, “So, uh… where’s the guy?” 

You couldn't quite decipher the unusual tone in his voice, “What guy?”

Bucky looked down at the ground, refusing to meet your gaze, “Ty.”

“Ty?” you questioned, eyebrows drawing together in confusion, “Ty’s at work. Why? Do you need to talk to him or something?”

“No, I - I just needed to know.”

“Are you okay, ba - Buck?” you caught yourself as you spoke, the old familiar nickname almost slipping from your lips.

“I’m alive. You?”

“I’m okay” you paused for a moment and when he didn’t speak again you did, “Steve told you about the boys, right?” 

Bucky nodded, “You were pregnant? I mean, when I was taken? What are they like?” 

A soft smile crept across your face at the talk of the boys, “They’re brilliant and fun and sometimes downright terrifying, and god they remind me of you so much it’s insane.”

“Steve said you named them James and George?” 

“Yeah, I named them after you and your dad… We’d never talked about we’d name a son so I just kinda guessed what you’d want” 

Your hand subconsciously reached out for his, your fingers intertwining like it hadn’t been years since you’d touched. Muscle memory is a hell of a thing, and you didn’t mind when it came to touching Bucky. Feeling him served as a reminder that he was okay, he was alive and there. Buck didn’t pull away at first, but after a long moment, he slowly pulled his hand from yours.

“What uh… What are their middle names?” Bucky seemed awkward, uncomfortable asking. 

“James Samuel and George Steven” you smiled nervously, waiting to see his reaction.

It was a moment before he spoke, and when he did you could hear the emotion in his voice, “That’s. Those are perfect.”

“I’m really glad you like them. I figured if I was using my best friend’s name, I should use your best friend’s too. I - I kinda always imagined those are the names we’d pick if we each got to name one of the boys.” 

Bucky cleared his throat before speaking, “The names are perfect, [Y/N], really. What do they know - about me I mean.”

You found your gaze locked on your feet as you spoke, “I couldn’t tell them the truth Buck, I’m sorry. I couldn’t risk them telling another kid who’d tell another and then we’d have to run. As far as the boys know, you worked in a mine and died saving someone’s life. It seemed the closest to the truth that I could get without putting us at risk” your voice wavered at the end, worried how he’d react. 

When he didn’t answer, you glanced up at him only to find his eyes closed and you suddenly second-guessed every decision you’d made. You should have told the boys once you knew he was alive, you should have come clean. But how would they have taken that revelation? George was never the best at keeping secrets and word would have spread around the school within the day. 

“I’m sorry Buck, I didn’t know - you were dead, and then you came back but you left before we could even talk and all anyone would tell me was that you needed time and I wasn’t sure you’d ever come back” you admitted, voice breaking. 

A throat clearing behind you drew you out of the emotion and you turned to see Anna, your waitress, watching it all unfold. She’d been on break when Bucky had come in, and apparently, you hadn’t noticed her come back in. 

Anna shot you a small smile, “Why don’t you guys take off. We can handle the dinner rush.” when you opened your mouth to argue that you couldn’t abandon them like that, she held up one finger to stop you, “Go.” 

“Do you want to come back to the house, Bucky?” you chewed on your lip, worried that he’d take the chance to run again.

When he nodded, you turned back to Anna, “Thank you. Seriously. If you need help please call someone else in. If no one answers, call me please.” 

“Of course, now get out.” Anna tossed you the keys from under the counter.

Without a word, you and Bucky wandered into the parking lot. Bucky approached a little black car and offered to follow you home. As you pulled out of the lot in your truck, your eyes remained on the car behind you. Every few seconds you double-checked in the mirror that he was still with you, and when you pulled up in front of the cabin a few minutes later you waited anxiously until he’d turned off the car and climbed out. You kept waiting for him to run away again, to leave. 

As you led the way inside, Rex greeted you with a low bark, he’d stayed at home today, not quite feeling like making the trek to the diner. Bucky followed you inside, his eyes wandering over the house. In the kitchen you brewed a cup of coffee while Bucky explored, his eyes tracing over the framed photos of you and the boys that covered the walls. You’d documented every important moment in their lives, and the pictures on the wall told the tales clear as day. 

When the coffee finished brewing and you’d poured it into two cups, you followed him into the living room. Bucky had picked up a photo you kept on the table by the front door. It was one of your all-time favorite memories. You’d taken the day off at the diner, and Ty had closed his shop for the day. It was the hottest day of the year and you’d packed up the truck, driving up to the remote beach on the northern part of the lake you’d unofficially claimed as your own. You’d spent the day teaching the boys to fish, splashing each other in the cold mountain water, and when night had finally rolled around you’d had a campfire under the stars. The picture had been taken for you the next morning by a passing hiker. George was holding up the fish he’d caught while James gave him bunny ears and you laughed in the background. Ty’s hands rested proudly on George’s shoulders. 

Your voice eventually broke the silence as you took a seat on the couch, “How’d you find me?” 

“Rex.” the old german shepherd picked his head up as his name was called, his tail sweeping along the floor where he lay. Bucky took a seat on the couch next to you, his knees brushing yours as he thanked you for the coffee.

“How?” Of all the things he could have tried, you never expected his answer to be Rex. 

“Steve told me you picked him up in Texas, and about when you picked him up, so then I started calling around to different vets in the area. Turns out most of them don’t keep their records. One of them did though, and they had record of you bringing him in under your previous name. They had his microchip number on file. I know you, you wouldn’t leave him unregistered. So, I called the microchip company and they wouldn’t give me the information. Tony had to break into their system to get your information” 

On one hand, the realization that you’d been tracked down from something as simple as Rex’s microchip number left you facepalming. How had no one unsavory caught up with you if it was that simple! On the other hand, you could only imagine how many vets there were in Texas and how many he’d probably tried before finding the right one. 

Before you could speak, the kitchen door flung open with a loud bang, and Bucky jumped to his feet as George and James came racing into the house. They didn’t even seem to notice Bucky’s presence as they raced up the stairs, yelling at each other about some new television show that was supposed to be on right now. As Bucky watched them race by, wide-eyed, you couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Hey [Y/N], whose car is that -” Ty followed the boys in, stopping at the sight of Bucky standing frozen in front of the couch, “Oh uh hi, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, it’s fine. I should probably go” Bucky quickly offered. 

“No, stay. I should probably get home anyways. If I don’t fix that leak tonight the house is probably going to flood.” Ty shot you a quick smile before retreating out the door. When he’d walked in, the tension in the room had skyrocketed but the moment he was out the door everything had gone quiet again.

“Home? He doesn’t live here?” Bucky looked down at you, curious.

“Why would Ty live here?” you raised one eyebrow.

“Isn’t he - Aren’t you?” for the first time, Bucky looked down at the ring on your finger. It took him a moment before he recognized it, and his gaze jumped up to your face as soon as he did, “That’s my ring. That’s - You’re not married to Ty?” for the first time, he sounded like the Bucky you’d known before, not the nervous man you’d met when he returned.

“Ty? Married? God no! He’s my neighbor and good friend, but that’s it. He helps out at the diner, and he’s helped me with the boys, but not because we’re married. His wife died a few years back and we bonded over the whole widow/widower thing, and he gets along with the boys so we kinda just became fast friends.” 

When Bucky just stared at you, you glanced down at the ring and thought back to the first time he’d walked into the diner, “That’s why you left the diner, isn’t it?” 

When Bucky nodded, you let out a soft chuckle as you got to your feet. You placed your hands on his shoulders as you leaned in to look him in his eyes, “Bucky, there hasn’t been anyone else for me. You’re it.”

His eyes searched yours again, but this time he seemed to have found what he was searching for. His metal hand came up and gently cupped your cheek as he leaned in, capturing your lips. The kiss started slow, but it wasn’t long before you were pressed tight against him, his hands roaming over you as you tangled yours in his long hair. You lost track of time as you kissed, too busy getting reacquainted with each other to notice when the boys came downstairs. That is, until one of them spoke up. 

“Mom?” James had his hands clamped over his eyes, as if trying to erase the memory of his mom making out with a man he’d never known, “Who’s that?” 

You blushed as you sprung apart like startled teenagers, your hands subconsciously patted down your hair and you cleared your throat once, twice, before you spoke, “George, James, this is your Bucky, your dad...”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will the boys react?

Neither of the boys spoke, merely sharing a quick glance with each other before turning to study Bucky. Bucky waited nervously, his hands fidgeting down at his side and you reached out, giving his hand a gentle squeeze in your own. He shot you a little smile and squeezed your hand back.

“Bucky? Like… Bucky Barnes?” George finally asked, looking down at your linked hands.

“Come on, boys. Let’s talk” you released Bucky’s hand and walked over to George and James, directing them towards the couch. 

It took an hour for you to explain the truth to the boys, that their father wasn’t some miner who had died in an accident. You walked through them your time in the Avengers, how you met Bucky, and a cliff notes version of what had happened the day Bucky was lost. Your voice broke when you told them about that day, and Bucky squeezed your hand, bringing you back to the moment and you gave him a grateful smile. 

Neither one spoke, and you grew more nervous as the silence went on. After you’d finished explaining the whole story to them, they turned to each other. Ever since they were little, they’d been able to have full conversations without speaking, their facial muscles twitching as stories and sentences and ideas flew back and forth, and you’d thought they’d outgrown it. Apparently not. 

Bucky shot you a confused glance and you merely shrugged, whenever they were talking like this it was no good to interrupt. They’d finish their conversation and tell you what they decided after, trying to join in was like talking to talk to a brick wall and you’d just been happy when they stopped doing it in public. 

James was the one to break the silence, “So… If our dad’s an Avenger, and you were an Avenger…. Does that mean we can be Avengers?” his signature mischievous smile lit up his face. 

“No!” you and Bucky both shut him down at the same time, and you shot him a grateful glance. Even though he’d been gone for so many years and so much had changed, at least you were on the same page about some things still.

“Can we at least meet the Avengers?” George chimed in.

“Boys. You literally are getting the chance to meet your dad right now, and all you want to know is about the other Avengers” you sighed, rubbing at your face in frustration. 

“Look, you said we can’t tell people Bucky’s our dad but meeting the Avengers would make a really cool school project” George shrugged. 

“Can we, Pleaseeeee?” James pouted, giving Bucky his best puppy dog eyes. 

Bucky looked at you, unsure what to say. Honestly, you weren’t sure either. Letting them meet the avengers was everything you could have ever wanted now that Bucky was back. With Bucky back, the two of you had so much to figure it out. Would you get back together? Would you leave Trego and go back to the compound or would you stay home? Would you rejoin the Avengers - would they even let you? Did you want to? 

“I don’t know. We have to figure that out. Other than meeting the Avengers, how are you guys feeling about all of this?” 

“Well… I mean, yesterday our dad was dead. And a miner. Today he’s here and he’s an Avenger.” George spoke carefully, his gaze locked onto Bucky. You could see him recognizing bits and pieces of himself in his dad, there was no doubt you guys were telling the truth. 

“Are you planning on sticking around?” James’ voice was hard, but you could hear the undercurrent of nervousness running through it. 

Bucky’s answer was immediate, “I’m here for as long as you guys will let me be. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not going anywhere.”

You squeezed Bucky’s hand tightly, and the boys exchanged another glance before George spoke again, “Okay. Are you coming to my rodeo tomorrow then? I’m trying barrel racing.” 

Bucky’s face lit up in a half-smile, “I’d love that. I hear you have your own horse?” 

“Yeah, his name’s Falcon. He’s not the fastest horse but he’s the best!” George grinned, proud of his beloved steed. 

Before Bucky could talk, James interrupted him “My skateboarding competition is Sunday.”

“Sounds like we have a busy weekend then” Bucky answered quickly.

James nodded once at Bucky before turning to you, “Can we still spend the night at Zach’s house tonight?” 

You glanced over at Bucky and when the hint of a shrug showed, “Did his mom say it was okay?” 

James rolled his eyes at your question, “Yeah, mom. She’s even going to come pick us up.”

“Then I guess that’s alright. Remember you have to be back by 8 or we’ll be late for the rodeo, okay?” 

The honking of a horn out front drew the boy’s attention and with shouted goodbyes, they raced out the door and into the waiting truck. You waved out the window, smiling at Zach’s mom as she waved back at you. Bucky stayed back on the couch, out of sight from the window, once the boys were gone you went and plopped back onto the seat next to him.

“I think that went well?” Bucky offered. 

“That’s because you don’t know James.” you sighed, “Anytime he’s that chill about something this big he’s not actually okay with it, and he’s going to do something about it.”

“Like what?” 

“I mean last time things went this smoothly he tried to run away - and that was just when he found out Santa wasn’t real so I’m not sure how he’s ranking this one.” you groaned.

“Should we not have let him go spend the night at Zach’s then?” Bucky asked, unsure.

“Nah, he won’t try that again and even if he did, he wouldn’t leave George and George won’t leave Falcon, and neither one of them would leave Rex” you nodded over at the dog asleep on his bed across the room, “Besides, he’s been looking forward to this sleepover for weeks. If we said no it would have only made it a lot worse.”

Watching you for any sign of discomfort, Bucky leaned over to wrap his arm around you like old times. Before you even thought about it, you snuggled into his side, head resting on his shoulder. He pulled you closer in a tight squeeze and you smiled up at him before leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. 

“Bucky…. I need to know what happened. Please” your voice was soft, barely audible.

He was quiet for a moment, and you began to fear he hadn’t heard you when he spoke, “The bomb hit, and you guys were gone. I got knocked out, and I don’t really remember much at first. Next thing I knew, I was strapped down in a Hydra base again” he took a moment to collect his thoughts, “I’m pretty sure you know how the next bit went. This time though, I didn’t break. I couldn’t. I knew I had to get back to you. So, when I wouldn’t fall in line they put me back under. I guess they figured they’d try again later with me…. Next thing I know, it’s been eight years and Steve and the team are there. Apparently, they heard about another Hydra base and were just working, they didn’t know I was going to be there or anything like that.”

He sighed after a moment, “I kept asking where you were. It wasn’t until we got back to the compound that Steve told me what happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t here, [Y/N]. I should have been here for all of it…” 

You sat up straight, one hand reaching to cup his cheek, “Hey, that’s not your fault Bucky. I know you’d have been here if you could. You didn’t choose this, please don’t blame yourself, Buck. ”

“I took my comms out in the base, doll. I thought they were bugging out and the sound was distracting me so I took them out. If I hadn’t taken them out, I might have heard Tony’s warnings.” 

“I should have known you weren’t dead, Buck. When we found your arm but the DNA from the body couldn’t be identified I should have known. If I’d realized you were still alive, maybe we could have found you faster, maybe you wouldn’t have missed so much…”

“Doll, none of this is your fault okay? I made a mistake and things went sideways, but it’s okay. We’re here now, and you’re not married.” His smile was playful.

You moved to straddle his lap, watching his reaction carefully. His hands found their way to your hips, stabilizing you. You cupped his face gently in both hands, eyes searching his for any sign that this wasn’t real, that he blamed you, that he hated you, that this was all an act. You didn’t find that, instead all you found was love. 

“I’m definitely not married, Buck. I told you, there’s no one else for me. I’ve worn your ring for years.” you glanced down at it then back up at him, new fears suddenly racing through you, “What - What do you want? You can be honest. I mean, I get it if you don’t want me or this or -” you started to climb off of him, but his hands merely tightened their grip on you, holding you in place.

Bucky cut off your rambling with a kiss. When he leaned back after a moment, you found yourself chasing the kiss. 

“I want you. I want you today, and tomorrow, and for as long as this works. I know we’ve both changed and the time away has changed things, but you’re it for me. That’s why I wanted to give you that ring.” He caught your hand in his and pressed a gentle kiss to the ring. “If you’re still open to trying with me, I want to try and be it for you.”

Instead of an answer, you leaned forward, catching his lips with yours. This time, the kiss was frenzied, almost desperate. His hands found their way under your shirt, and when his fingers brushed against your bare flesh you gasped softly. In the years since Bucky’s disappearance, you hadn’t taken on another partner so it had been quite a long while since you’d felt loved and desired, and you found the feeling intoxicating.

Before you even realized what was happening, your shirt was over your head and landing on the floor next to you. Smiling down, you pressed a lingering kiss to his lips again before you slowly leaned back from him and climbed to your feet. Your hand found it's way to his, and you pulled him up after you. 

With a shy glance over your shoulder, you led Bucky up the stairs and to your bedroom. There, you spent the rest of the evening relearning every inch of each other, tracing new scars with gentle fingers. Bucky traced your stretch marks with peppered kisses, all the while murmuring little compliments, "gorgeous," "Beautiful," "I love you."

That night you slept peacefully for the first time in years. No fear, no doubt, only comfort and love surrounded you as you slept in Bucky's warm embrace, your back pressed tight against his chest as you'd done so many times before.


End file.
